- "I'm a slasher and I must be stopped."
- ―Simon to Nicholas Angel
Simon "Sissy" Skinner is the manager of Sandford's supermarket, Somerfield. He is a member of the Neighbourhood Watch Alliance and has won several trophies for fun-running events. During Nicholas Angel's investigation, he was the prime suspect of the "accidents" which had been frequent in Sandford.
During the final battle in the Sandford model village, Simon is about to stab Nicholas with a retractable knife but he trips over a toy van and gets mortally impaled in the jaw with a miniture tower spire.
- In the newspaper, it is revealed that he had a brother, Stephen.
- It is also revealed that his father was Edward Skinner and his mother's maiden name was Rites.
- Leslie Tiller was his cousin.
- He used to study ballet when he was growing up.
- Skinner getting stabbed in the jaw near the end of the film is a reference to Tim Messenger's death when he gets his head crushed by a church tower spire.